Thursday, August 23, 2012

A Confession (aka Whining)

I have not gone to a real confession in church in almost three months, and I have been pretty miserable lately. Confessing my sins to God in the silence of my heart has not been helping me feel any better either.

I’ve been feeling very heavy…not only because I am a sinner, but also because I feel like all my faults and weaknesses have been coming out into the open. It feels like I’m getting them rubbed in my face. Either God is doing that so that I could open my eyes and start working on my faults, or the devil is doing that to bring me down and make me feel depressed.

I have also been feeling very tired and discouraged lately. Mostly because I keep messing up and tripping over the same darn mistakes! God has been so good to me that when I think about everything I have in my life and where I’m at right now, I can’t help but tear up. And how do I repay my loving Father? I betray Him! I go against Him! I break my promises! I can’t help but try to imagine how I would feel if one of my children, whom I gave everything I possibly could, betrayed me and went against what I taught him/her. I would be very disappointed and sad. And that’s probably how the Lord feels about me every single time I sin against Him. Oh, the pain He must feel. Yet, His love is unconditional and He is able to get over the pain and accept me back with His arms wide open. This blows my mind every time I think about it. God’s infinite mercy and love are just way beyond my puny little brain to ever comprehend.

Anyways, one of the main reasons I’m feeling so discouraged is due to a lack of prayer-- a lack of spending time with God. How can I have life, love, energy and courage when I reject the ONE that is LOVE Himself…the One that is the source of LIFE and ENERGY….and courage, and mercy, and forgiveness, and wisdom, and truth…and the list goes on and on and on. Pretty much, NO GOD = NO LIFE. Period. That’s the plain truth. When I have God, I’m the happiest girl in the world. And when I don’t have God (don’t spend time with him; keep him in the margins of my life), I become depressed and hopeless. I swear it’s true. It happens every time.  Sometimes I seek to find happiness and satisfaction through others things and people, but no matter what I try, I still don’t feel fulfilled.  And then I realize that NOTHING, absolutely no earthly thing, feeling, person can ever FILL the endless VOID of my heart that only the Almighty God, the Infinite Love can fill. Just as the title of my blog states: my heart is restless until it rests in Him. And until that becomes engraved in my soul, I will never find peace and rest, because I’ll always be looking in the wrong places.

Jesus, my Savior, how unworthy I am of Your great love! My soul thirsts for Your infinite compassion and mercy. My heart breaks at the sight of Your suffering. Fill me with Your grace so that I may never offend You again. I offer myself to You unconditionally. I love You!  (Anonymous)

1 comment:

  1. I can definitely relate, Agnes. If I don't spend regular time in prayer I absolutely find myself feeling unfulfilled. He is the only one who can make us feel whole.