Friday, October 12, 2012

Overwhelmed but Thankful - (Pharmacy school!)


So, life has not been very easy on me lately. Actually, I have been pretty depressed for the past few weeks, believe it or not. This may sound like a lot of whining, but writing about it, I hope, will be at least somewhat therapeutic for me. And maybe even someone reading this can relate or learn from it. 

Well...

I started my 2nd year of pharmacy school in September. I've been warned by pharmacists at my work that graduated from my school of pharmacy, as well as by professors in school, that the 2nd and 3rd year is very, very challenging and requires lots of hard work, motivation, and perseverance. Absolutely true. Now I can feel it on my own skin. The amount of material we go through every week is insane. I constantly get up at 5 or 6am (even when I don't have to be at school until 9, 10, or 11 sometimes), so I could catch up and get ahead in my lectures...and despite all my efforts and studying from 6am to midnight every day, I'm still constantly falling behind as more and more assignments, projects, workshops, and exams come around. It's intense. We have 2 exams every single week, and they are not exams you can study for the night before. Some of my school days are very long and exhausting. For example, on Monday, we start out with a 2 hour exam at 7am (means I have to get up at 5am and leave my house before 6am to get to school on time), and then we have lectures for the remainder of the day, until 5pm. Tuesdays are the same (7am-5pm day), but with lectures all day and only 2 breaks in between.  I do get very good grades, but I really, truly put in a lot of work into it. I put pretty much ALL of my time into studying, take away basic functions like eating, sleeping, showers, and praying. Every single day feels the same. Get up, eat, go to school, study well into the night, take a shower, pray, go to sleep. Every day, over and over, and over again. And I am growing sick and tired of this every day sameness...all WORK, no play. Another thing that's contributing to my sadness is being lonely--not having my other half by me to support me and cuddle with me and tell me he loves me. My lovely fiance has been working nightshift for a little over a year now (pretty much since I started pharmacy school) and so my life has changed dramatically since then. At least last year was a little less intense at school so I still got to see him a few times a week, but this school year is so hectic that I only see him on the weekends. During the entire week, I am lonely. Just me and my piles of notes and my laptop. Sometimes it is very difficult for me to study and focus because I miss him so much and I'm scared that we'll grow apart. I'm so foolish sometimes. I think foolish human thoughts instead of trusting that God will always bless our relationship and provide for us no matter what. Our future (the future of our relationship, marriage, family) is all in His Hands...yet I can't help but worry, fear, and feel lonely. Resting my soul in God has definitely been helping in those moments of loneliness, but still, it is difficult to get used to such a dramatic life change of being with your love all the time to barely seeing your love and just being left completely alone with endless amounts of hard work. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know it is there.



So, instead of feeling sorry for myself, here are some things that I realized, that help me cope with my feelings:
  1. God loves me. He knows everything I am going through. He knows exactly how I feel. He hears my thoughts and prayers and sees my troubles. God will not let mine and Greg's relationship suffer, because He created us for each other and as long as we trust in Him, our now relationship and future marriage will survive any trial! (Suck it up devil!)
  2. People have bigger problems than I do. Some people have no food to feed their families, others are going through painful divorces, still others live in fear and oppression. 
  3. I'm not the only one who has felt this way. I'm not the only one that has gone through this. Some people in my pharmacy class have husbands and small kids to take care of on top of studying, and they're handling somehow. (Their loving husbands and kids are probably their source of support).
  4. Pharmacy school is supposed to be challenging and hectic, and I knew this going in. I knew that I would have to sacrifice a lot. I was ready to give up having a life and let pharmacy school take over for a short 4 years. Besides, it's only 2 years of loneliness, because for the last 2 years of school, I'll be a happy wifey.
  5. This is only temporary. Yes, I have 3 more years of pharmacy school but I have many things to look forward to in the near future, things that will change my current situation. 10 more months and I will be married to the love of my life and I will be coming home to him every day instead of feeling lonely, depressed, and abandoned.
  6. I rely too much on things and people to make me happy and fulfilled. I should start relying completely on God. Even if I feel disappointed by something Greg does or doesn't do, I should not let that bring me down and make me feel depressed. God sees everything. He knows. And He wants me to trust in Him and rest in Him in times of trials and suffering. And that is what I should start doing more often.
  7. I'm only 22 years old. Pharmacy school is only a very small chunk of my life. There are many, many more years ahead...years that I hope will be filled with the beauty of married life and family...that is, if the Lord blesses me with those.

Thank You God for helping me shift my focus from all the bad, depressing, overwhelming things in my life, to all the things that I am currently blessed with, and all the amazing things that wait ahead. For now, I just gotta "keep swimming, swimming, swimming" and this difficult time shall soon pass and I'm sure the Lord has good times in store for us. Oh I just absolutely cannot wait for our wedding. Please please God, can I just fastforward my life to August?? Pleeeaaase??  

10 more months...

I can do this....



So Help me God, Amen!


P.S. on a related note, check out my latest post on Suffering...I have some pretty good quotes on suffering from some awesome books that I read.