Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Psalm 27; Trust in God; difficulties; Chastity, marriage

So, last week has been a very difficult week for me. 
In fact, the entire last month has been very difficult for me.
This is our final crunch
5 more months of feeling lonely and sad...
then I finally get to enjoy the presence of my husband
....at least a little more than I do now. 

As you may know, for the past 1.5 years, my fiance has been working the night shift. He leaves the house at 4pm and gets back home at about 3-3:30am. On the other hand, I have been in pharmacy school for the past 2 years and so I am out of the house by 6-7am and don't get home until late afternoon. Then, when he's home on the weekends, I work (10 hour shift on Saturday) and study for exams (usually all day Sunday). And so.....for the past 2 years, we have been pretty separated from each other, at least physically. Of course, our hearts have still been connected together and we call each other every day and send multiple text messages....but I have certainly been feeling lonely....sometimes super lonely. Physical presence / contact around my beloved seems to be very important to me (I don't think I could ever do a long distance relationship...I'd probably die of loneliness haha). And with our opposite schedules, we are almost never around each other. I have been missing his hugs, cuddling, kisses, just watching movies and holding hands...there is never even opportunities to have real face to face conversations about things that truly matter. And there are some things that we really need to talk about and address ASAP, definitely before the wedding day. And that's a part of the reason why I've been feeling down and depressed. There are so many things I want to communicate to him...so many things I need to inform him about, since I am the one that reads all the Catholic books and blogs on sex & marriage...and I just have not had the right opportunity, nor the courage. And that just depresses me.
Thankfully, God has been my source of comfort in those lonely and difficult times. He lets me rest in His arms and assures me that I am infinitely loved and that I am certainly not ALONE. He also tells me to TRUST IN HIM, including in HIS TIMING....and so...no matter how hard it is for me and how much it hurts inside, I continue to wait on God and for his solutions and his timing.

I just cannot wait for our wedding day to come. I mentioned this before, and I have to say it again...this waiting is driving me nuts! I am crazy about our wedding. That's all I've been thinking about, daydreaming about, praying about. And when I imagine Greg and I standing in front of God's altar and the holy spirit coming upon us in this beautiful, invaluable sacrament of marriage, my heart is just lifted up to the gates of heaven! It makes me feel so wonderful inside...it's so comforting to know that FINALLY, after over 6 years of dating, God will hand us over to each other and make us ONE. God will hand over his child (my fiance) into my hands, into my care...How special am I? And after 6+ years of chastity (YES, I AM SERIOUS! 6 YEARS! Talk about chastity being hard.... most blog posts I have read, people say that their 8 months or 1 year and x months of chastity while dating was hard...then they got engaged and married! well, we have been together since sophomore year of high school! Gosh,  it feels like we've been dating for half a century, like we've known each other forever! On our wedding day, we'll have almost 7 years of dating & chastity behind us. Gee, I honestly don't know how we did it...I'm sure it was through some miraculous intercession of the Saints and the Blessed Mother...I know we didn't do it on our own). SO FINALLY, in less than 5 months, we can finally begin loving one another in self-giving love. AND IT WILL BE ALL THE MUCH BETTER BECAUSE WE WAITED! IT'LL BE A TRUE GIFT OF SELF TO EACH OTHER.

Ok, so I digressed. My point was to write specifically about last week's difficulties and how God lifted my spirits.

So last week, I have been feeling especially lonely...even praying to God has not brought any comfort. 
I felt like my heart was crying out: 
"Eli Eli, lama sabachtani?"
(O God My God, why have you forsaken me?)

And then, on wednesday, as I was in the midst of my difficulties...my friends and I walked into a study room in one of the academic buildings on campus, so we could study an hour before our medicinal chemistry workshop.... And as I walked in, I noticed the study room's white board that was completely filled up with colorful notes of what seemed like the Kreb's cycle from Physiology class...and then in the upper left corner, in the same handwriting, was Psalm 27:14: 
"Wait for the Lord, Be Strong and Take Courage. Yes, wait for the Lord."
And one of my friends jokingly said that someone must have been praying to get a good grade on their physio exam. But I knew that this message was there for me! I just knew that God led me to that particular study room to encourage me...to lift up my spirits and strengthen my faith. All of a sudden, I felt so much better. I was so thankful that God did not forget about me...that he sees my every trouble and my every tear.

What was even more amazing last wednesday, was that right before I went to bed, I grabbed my smartphone so I could open up my bible app. I am subscribed to 2 different bible reading plans right now...one on suffering and one on fasting...since I thought those were appropriate for lent. And I open up the reading for today...the reading ESPECIALLY for that day...and guess what it says? PSALM 27!  And I'm sitting there thinking...why does the number 27 sound so familiar? Psalm 27? Do I know Psalm 27? and I begin reading it. And what was the very last verse? Psalm 27:14! THE SAME ONE THAT GOD SHOWED ME EARLIER THIS MORNING on the white board in the school study room! I thought: wow! God must really want me to get his message! God must really want me to be strong, to take courage, and to wait on Him...to fearlessly trust in Him. Not only did God show me this psalm TWICE in one day, but the psalm itself, says "WAIT ON THE LORD" TWICE in one verse:

"Wait for the Lord, Be strong and let your heart take courage, yes, Wait for the Lord. " Well, I guess the Lord wants me to wait on him, to not become discouraged and disheartened. He will take care of us, in His proper timing. 

How amazing are You oh Lord. 
How mysterious are your paths.
How blessed are those who trust in Your ways!

Psalm 27: A Psalm of Fearless Trust in God.
1The LORD is my light and my salvation;
  Whom shall I fear?
  The LORD is the defense of my life;
  Whom shall I dread?

2When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh,
  My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.

3Though a host encamp against me,
  My heart will not fear;
  Though war arise against me,
  In spite of this I shall be confident.

4One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek:
  That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
  To behold the beauty of the LORD
  And to meditate in His temple.

5For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;
  In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
  He will lift me up on a rock.

6And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me,
  And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
  I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.

7Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice,
  And be gracious to me and answer me.

8When You said, “Seek My face,” my heart said to You,
  “Your face, O LORD, I shall seek.”

9Do not hide Your face from me,
  Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
  You have been my help;
  Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
  O God of my salvation!

10For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
  But the LORD will take me up.

11Teach me Your way, O LORD,
  And lead me in a level path
  Because of my foes.

12Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries,
  For false witnesses have risen against me,
  And such as breathe out violence.

13I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
  In the land of the living.

14Wait for the LORD;
  Be strong and let your heart take courage;
  Yes, wait for the LORD.


I will gladly suffer and persevere with You through it, oh Christ.
Love You.

1 comment:

  1. Waiting is so so so hard! You guys will have a most blessed marriage because of your desire to do what is right and holy. Congratulations for making it through those long and hormonal teenage years!