When we reached the lowest, darkest, scariest part of the valley...and I felt like I wanted to give up, it was then that I learned the most. Satan was constantly feeding my soul with lies such as "life isn't fair. Your husband doesn't love you. He doesn't think about you, care about you, he won't sacrifice for you. He is selfish and only cares about himself etc etc..." It was at those darkest moments that I realized that I CANNOT overcome this by arguaing with myself, or arguing with the devil's lies - I cannot achieve victory with my own strength. I am nothing. I am dust. I MUST RELY ON GOD COMPLETELY. I CANNOT MAKE ANOTHER STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION WITHOUT HIM - WITHOUT HIS ASSISTANCE, HIS PROVIDENCE, HIS WISDOM, HIS LOVE.
So on the Lord I leaned. God is all I had left. The only never-changing entity. Life, love, marriage - their circumstances change - up and down, up and down, up and down....constant roller coaster...until we get so fed up that we run to the only constant, non-changing, ever-loving GOD. No matter what happens, no matter what we do....He STILL accepts us as we are, He STILL loves us with the SAME, UNCHANGING unconditional love, and He FORGIVES us and LIFTS UP our spirit every.single.time. He is the only one upon Whom we can rely on. He is the only one Who we can be sure that will not disappoint us 100% of the time.
After realizing that, I truly lifted my eyes toward the heavens. Not only my eyes, but also my hands. I lifted them up, pleading for help, pleading for forgiveness for not trusting Him. I imagined myself resting in His Fatherly embrace... And that was so comforting, so uplifting. Suddenly, peace overcame my soul and I knew everything was going to be okay.
Through all this suffering and the silence between the husband and I:
- I called upon God's name all the more
- I prayed, prayed, prayed
- I suffered in silence and prayer
- I relied and depended on God with EVERYTHING
- I leaned on Him
- I rested in Him
- I cried to Him
- I trusted in His Love and Mercy
I decided that God is the Only One that:
- Listens to the confessions and cries of my fearful heart
- Understands me better than I understand myself
- Does not judge me although I speak and act foolishness
- Loves me unconditionally, no matter what
- Is ALWAYS there for me
- Picks me up when I am crawling on the ground, dirty and desperate for love
- Never fails to fill my heart with love and peace
And through this particular experience of suffering I learned that:
- In marriage, sometimes we must sacrifice for our loved one, just as Jesus sacrificed for us. And just like with Jesus, in marriage, there is a Resurrection for every Crucifixion.
- Without God, I CANNOT, I will not, get ANYWHERE!
- I must rely on Him completely
- I must trust in Him 100%...with my actions and not just the words of my mouth
- I must give myself and my whole life over to Him completely
- If I do not abandon myself to His Care, Will, and Providence completely, all my suffering will be for nothing...but if I surrender myself and my suffering to Him, I can suffer with JOY and with peace, because I know I am not suffering in vain. And I know that God sees every worry and every tear and that He is in control.
- I must detach myself from the world, and attach myself even
more to GOD
Because He is the ONLY ONE that looks out for what is best for us and protects us from evil and showers us with love CONSTANTLY and CONSISTENTLY...no matter how crazy, stupid, and unfaithful we are.
Oh, and He also reminded me that I have the best husband in the world. Because I do!
Thank You God!
I hope this helps someone.