Monday, February 3, 2014

Reflections from my Journal #5 :My Declaration of Trust and Gratitude for God

Reflection #5:  My Declaration of Trust and Gratitude for God
October 9th 2009
(I had just turned 19 years old the month before)

 Dear God, from today on I want to be like a little child - I will have a humble heart and I will trust You in everything. I would like to entrust to you my whole life and I want to walk toward You blindly, even when I am uncertain what lies ahead...even when there is no light but only darkness in my life I will blindly trust in You and have faith that everything comes from Your Holy Will and that this is what is best for my soul at that particular moment.

Even though sometimes I am uncertain where I am in life and where I am going and whether the path I am choosing is the right path - even then I still trust You wholeheartedly and I believe that it is YOU who is leading me on this path...and that you love and forgive me even if I stray. I know this Lord...I know this because now when I look back at all the things and all the situations that were very difficult to bear and to understand at that time - it is now that I see how useful and necessary they were for my soul. If not for those moments of being lost, in the darkness, sadness, and suffering - my soul would not be the same! Although I have fallen many times in those difficult situations - those falls gave me a lot to think about, to ponder, to understand. For many years, I have been walking around the same mountain, around and around on the same path that led me in circles - today I thank You Lord for setting me straight and helping me to walk forward in the right direction again! Thank You for your help and for showing me that it does not have to be that way, and for showing me that it is not the world and the people around me that have to change, but that I have to change. Thank You for Your Love, and especially for Your Mercy and Forgiveness. I regret that I wasted so many precious years not knowing You that way I know You now, so many days I wasted keeping You at a distance, like some fairy far, far away in the sky. But I cannot do anything about that now. Now I can just be happy that finally I woke up, that You woke me up! Thank You for Your Patience. How many years did You have to wait patiently until I come back? I do not even want to think about certain years of my youth, when I was simply a lost sheep. Thank You for Your Goodness, Patience, for the fact that when I cannot get up from a fall by myself, You lend me Your Hand. Discovering You oh Lord is awesome, it is something amazing! Noticing Your Love and Your beautiful works in my life is indescribably precious. Just the feeling of Your Presence itself is wonderful. I love You! Thank You for being for being everywhere always and for listening to me whenever I speak....better yet, You listen to every thought and You understand even my innermost feelings! My will no longer longer exists - I promised You that only YOU are the purpose of my life and I shall live only to love You, to fulfill Your Will and to thank You and glorify You with my life for everything You have given me.

Lord, You let me get to know You closely and to know Your Mercy and I love this new life that is in me - the life that I am living only for You. Living, suffering, and doing good works finally makes sense. Thank You Lord for teaching me how to live, how to think, how to love. You are still teaching me all the time because I still have so many weaknesses and flaws, but now I see that it is only enough to tell You ONCE that we want to dedicate our lives to You. I only had to tell You once, invite You once but sincerely, and You heard me and right away You started changing my heart and my life. Because of the struggles and difficulties You put me through, You allowed me to get to know You closer. Now I constantly hear Your voice...and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I Love You.

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