Friday, February 7, 2014

Reflections from my Journal #6 : A Prayer


A prayer

Without Your help Lord, I am a failure. With my own efforts - I cannot even do a dime's worth of good. Lately, I have experienced over and over again that with my efforts alone, I cannot succeed in even the simplest things. But when I am with You and You are my priority throughout the day - I feel like I can move the mountains and like I am unafraid of anyone or anything. I keep asking You to be with me constantly but am I choosing to be with You? Or am I relying on the outside world to give me happiness? That sure won't happen. I cannot find comfort in the world, its people, places or possessions. My heart only longs for You. At this present moment, my heart is very much longing for You but there is a whole another world of worries and responsibilities pulling me in the opposite direction away from You and Your peace. Pharmacy school sure is keeping me occupied and the minute I walk away from You in prayer - I get lost in the busy life of school work and worries. And although I pray every morning and really mean what I pray, I don't remember the last time I had a good, long conversation with You that revealed to me something that really changed me. I miss those eye opening conversations. I miss feeling close to You. Although I love my life and I thank You for making it so beautiful every day - this morning You made me realize that my life could be filled with even more graces from You if I just am willing to receive them. I know You are holding blessings for me, especially the blessings of being in Your presence and feeling completely at peace - but I just have not been reaching for them. I focus on school too much... but even the spare time I have, I waste it. I really want YOU to be present with me throughout my day - I no longer want to put You in the margins of my life and keep You waiting until I get done with classes/homework/wasting time.

 Lord God Almighty - I want to carry You in my heart all day long, I want You to be on my mind and in my thoughts all the time, instead of worries and silly things. Father, teach me once again how to pray unceasingly - how to never put You on hold, but rather fill my entire being with You - all the days of my life. Jesus, remind me of Your great love for people and Your obedience to Your Father's Will and place in me that same humility, obedience, and desire to constantly glorify the Lord through following His Will every minute of every day. I want to thirst for Your Presence and hunger for Your Body Jesus - not for worldly things. But Jesus Christ, my dear friend and my dear Lord, will You please be my companion and together with Your humble and loving Mother, the Queen of Peace, will You stand by me and point me to the right path - Will You be my Light, my Guide, my Encouragement? Lord, gently remind me daily about the important things and the purpose of my life, so I don't get lost in this worldly craziness. I really, really truly desire to live in Your awe and Your presence daily and even if I'm having a bad day - to keep You on my mind constantly and place all my hope and all my trust in You Lord. I wish this so, so much. I can't promise You I'll succeed - I can't promise that I'll even remember about this tomorrow - but at this present moment I know that that is my heart's desire - to make YOU my Priority. That is what You were to me this summer, but lately I got too caught up living my life that I forgot to take some time out to talk with You and ask if I'm even on the right track or whether I'm making any spiritual progress at all. I sure hope that tomorrow is better than today, and I sure hope that when Monday and Tuesday come, that I recall these words and recognize Your Calling and adjust my life so I can live every day with You in happiness and peace. And even if school and the monotonous life without my husband (he works nights) makes me feel lonely and sad (like it has been lately) - even then I want to place my trust in You and give You my whole (boring) life so that all I will have left is YOU. Maybe it is good that my life is monotonous lately - there are less things to distract me from You. However, Satan still lurks behind every corner and trips me unexpectedly - then hopes he can draw me away from You. If anything - in times of trouble or self doubt - I run to YOU. Because You're always there - my unchanging, ever-loving God. I wish more people discovered You in that manner. Because You are truly amazing. Help me to come closer to You in the upcoming week. Love You. Agnes

Spiritual journaling was an idea that was inspired in me by St. Faustina. I read her Diary "Divine Mercy in my Soul" and was inspired to transform my regular, secular "dear diary" into a place of regular spiritual reflection and growth. Jesus told her to write, so she was obedient and wrote what He had told her. It is now published as a book and the whole world is benefiting from hearing the message of Divine Mercy. I want to imitate her because she is one of my spiritual heroes...right along with Blessed John Paul II - whom as you know, I adore very much, and who holds a special place in my heart. It was He, who declared the Sunday after Easter to be Divine Mercy Sunday...and on that Sunday this coming April 27th, our dear Pope JPII will be canonized.

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