Tuesday, March 25, 2014

A Confession of my Foolishness in our Marriage

This is literally what I did to my husband all weekend.

I complained.
I yelled.
I exaggerated things.
I brought out his faults and imperfections.
I saw negativity in every word and every act of his.

I literally made a big deal out of NOTHING.
I turned the loving atmosphere of our marriage and home into that of anger and tension.

I caused him suffering.
And I caused myself suffering.
For no reason at all.

Anger issues?

I have no idea what happened.

I just know that everything he said hurt me or irritated me
And I just kept fueling the fire of my anger with exaggerating the meaning of his words in my head...
And drowning in my own misery by feeding myself with false thoughts about my husband.

I am suspecting it was either due to a build up of stress and tension over the last few weeks (Work and School related)


Because for the past few months I have been bearing the cross of loneliness in our marriage (working on opposite schedules aka husband working nightshifts) and kind of hiding all those feelings of loneliness and sadness as well as the fear of us growing apart inside.

And the first weekend in a while that we were going to spend together....and BOOM! I just exploded and all of this "stuff" started coming out of me. But instead of baring my soul to the one I love...I took it all out on him.

Next time I will keep this in mind:
Definition of Love. 1 Corinthians 13.

Sorry Lord. Now I know what I have done. MEA CULPA.

I used to do that a lot back in the early stages of our relationship. Then as I grew in my faith, I got good about letting go and letting God take over...and about not worrying about small stupid meaningless things. I learned to  offer everything up to God. Whatever was causing me pain, whatever was scaring me, whatever was giving me that tight feeling in my throat at the thought of it... whatever fault/behavior of my beloved was irritating or hurting me...I learned to offer it up to the Lord and let Him handle it. And I waited for Him to act..without me freaking out, overreacting, hurting someone, feeding my own ego by blaming everything on the other person.

I passed that test.

But every once in a while, God makes us retake the same test again...to make sure we didn't forget...to make sure we are still faithful in this particular area....to make sure we still remember what He taught us through our previous trials and tribulations.

And the unexpected re-take of that test came this past weekend. And I totally failed.

What a fool I am.

But...lesson [re]learned.

1 comment:

  1. I totally relate to this. I think often the devil who wants our marriages to fail uses our weakness, tiredness, hormonal shifts, to cause hurt. For my husband and I, it often happens when we are about to have a special evening together. We are learning to pray even silently in those moments before we fight. But it is so slow and hard to learn these lessons! Thanks for sharing that you are also walking this road.