Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Easter, Hubby's birthday, and Journal Reflections

Excuse the ~2 week blogging hiatus, but [unfortunately] I got all caught up in real, grown-up life full of to-do's, responsibilities, and deadlines...which sucks...because I'd much rather lock myself in my room and just read your wonderful blogs and ponder upon my own life and write it down for ya'll to read. But it is what it is. I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter! 


Christ is RISEN!!!

He is risen INDEED!

I'm back on facebook, too. But it feels so weird. I feel very disconnected from it and I don't even want to keep checking it....it's no longer interesting and addicting. Lent bore some fruit!!! :-)

And it's my husband's birthday today!!! 
I sent him this:

...I also left him a nice surprise gift on the counter...that he discovered when he got home from work in the middle of the night. It included a handmade birthday card (since he always tells me not to get him a birthday card. I thought: fine! you don't want a hallmark card??? You're getting a handmade one!) I included a picture of us jumping from joy on our honeymoon and a sweet birthday poem. Of course he woke me up and showered me with kisses. Sweet boy. 

I will be back to write some updates on Friday because I have a million things to do for school and for my rotation until then.  Meanwhile, I leave you with some reflections from Holy Week, that I recorded in my journal ~3 years ago. It was a very fruitful Holy Week...God was teaching me lessons every single day. They're kind of boring..although very sincere...but you don't have to suffer through reading them. I just wanted to post them here and have them here for future reading/reference.

Monday April 18, 2011

Today’s lessons: 
Living in the present moment
Not constantly re-living the past
Forgiveness for past offenses

Lord, today You have shown me how much suffering it brings when a person we love hurts or disappoints us. Not only have you shown me, you made me feel the pain. It was just somehow, by accident, I opened up an e-mail from Greg from 3 years ago, when we had our first major argument and I didn’t know what was going to happen to us. Just re-reading that e-mail made me relive the suffering of the past. I’m still feeling very weird inside. Now I see why we need to live in the present moment, and never bring up past mistakes and past pain, because it hurts almost just as much, especially if it concerns a person dear to us. Like right now, I feel that I love Greg almost unconditionally. I am ready to share my life with him for the greater glory of God. I’m not sure if it was the devil’s work or if it was You, that made me find and open that e-mail, exit it, go back, and decide to read it. However, I do not need to know and understand everything, because I know that no matter what happens Lord, You can turn even the worst situation into revelations of Your great wisdom. You are all good and all loving, therefore, at your sight, all evil and sin are erased, and replaced with righteousness and wisdom. And opening up this e-mail has brought upon me a great epiphany. And it’s a perfect epiphany to ponder, especially during Holy week. I could barely handle the feeling of pain brought upon me by only a PAST MEMORY of only ONE person that I love dearly—so where does that put You, if You love each and every one of us unconditionally, but we keen disappointing You and hurting You, by either thoughtlessly or consciously engaging in sinful words, actions, and thoughts. How must You feel, Lord Jesus Christ? How much suffering are you feeling and how can you handle such deep suffering, all the while still LOVING us and FORGIVING US and ACCEPTING US back into your loving arms? This is incomprehensible for a limited, human mind. I can’t wrap my mind around it. ITS HUGE! Only an infinitely good God with infinite love and forgiveness is capable of loving a human being. Because we sure are messed up. And we sure need your bottomless ocean of mercy to stay alive. If You can forgive me a million times, why should I hold bitterness in my heart for something someone has done to me in the past?

Tuesday April 19, 2011

Today’s lessons:

Do not want what others have.
Do not try to have a 'better' life than others, simply for the sake of being "better" than them.
Do not desire great things.
Do not be a people pleaser.
Live simply and be happy with what you already have.

I just realized this when I thought about getting engaged and married. We all want to have the most beautiful and original engagement ring, get engaged in a more impressive way than others, and have the most beautiful wedding of everyone we know. Yes, all that sounds perfect, because it only happens once in your life (at least it should). But what happened with living simple lives? Love is rich in itself, yet simple. We do not need to dress up our love in diamonds and dresses. Because even without this, if our love is sincere, it shines brighter than anything in the world.

Wednesday April 20, 2011

Today's lessons:
Do not worry about what you are to eat, or what you are to drink
Do not worry about little things.

...You have a BIG Almighty God watching over You!!! You told me this as I stood in the 2 hour line to the confessional at St. Blasé’s. I was super worried because I had an 8 page research paper ahead of me that is due tomorrow. I was stressed out because it took me forever just to start the paper and I thought I was going to have to be up all night struggling to write it. But You told me to just enjoy the present moment—take advantage of the time You gave me at church. Obviously, if You thought I wouldn’t be able to handle this paper tonight because of losing two hours standing in the huge line, You would’ve sent me to another church at another time for confession. But this is exactly where You led me. So I quit worrying and instead focused on You and on my soul. I asked You for forgiveness—my sin was before my eyes—but You gave me great peace about it. Your message simply was “DO NOT WORRY MY CHILD.” And it was so powerful.

My confessor asked if I pray for my future husband. I said Yes. And He told me to please pray a lot for my future husband, because marriage will not be easy...and there are so many troubled marriages.  I didn’t know whether this was a unique message from the Lord, just for my future marriage...or if the priest has just been hearing many, many marital problems during confessions and he wants to help young people by telling them to pray ahead of time.

There are so many marriages that are on the brink of failure. We must strive to save the holy institution of husband and wife and family from destruction by evil. Thanks Lord for giving me so many revelations during this Holy Week. It’s the best Holy Week ever! I feel very close to You and You are on my mind ALL DAY LONG.  You’re my sweetness during this week (since I gave up sweets for lent) LOVE YA!

Thursday April 21, 2011—The Lord’s Last Supper

Today's lessons:
The beauty and meaning of the Mass and the Eucharist

 Lord, today I give You special thanks for making me see the beauty of the Catholic Church, the Mass, confession, and the EUCHARIST. I used to go to church as a habit. Church is a part of my culture. It’s just what everybody around me always has done. But thanks to You Christ, I fell in love with our church. Every Mass is a beautiful experience. Every Mass is a chance for reflection, growth, and strength from the Eucharist and the Word (“the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us”). I want Your every word to become A PART OF ME. I still have a difficult time with temptations and I have certain habits that I do thoughtlessly that I know I have to change, but still don’t have enough strength and determination to do so. However, I know You are patient and slow to anger. And Your Mercy is keeping me alive. Your Love gives me strength every minute of my life. The sacrifice of Your Body and Blood is the only reason why I’m alive. This is why I will “eat this bread and drink this cup” to be constantly reminded of what You have given for me—that You FREELY accepted terrible AGONY and DEATH, so that I may live. That is why remembering Your Sacrifice and receiving Your Body through the Eucharist GIVES ME SO MUCH STRENGTH. 

Friday April 22, 2011 - Good Friday

Today's lessons:
Do not be average.
Be an example.
Lead by example.
Lead by serving others.
Do not follow people who are not setting a good, righteous example.
Do not conform to this world (because you are in the world, but not of the world)

I STRUGGLED with this all day. I was feeling so average at work. I felt like I was just there to get my job done in a mediocre way and leave, period. Lord, I know You put me there for a reason. Keep convicting me and show me the way to not only be a better person, but through that infect other people with Your goodness, love, and righteousness. Do not let me be selfish and “average” but show me how to be an EXCELLENT person for You. Of course excellence and even humility does not mean that I should let people walk all over me. You have told me that I need to have boundaries and I need to know when to say NO to people. I need to find a good balance and stick to it and make it be my boundary. Show me what the perfect balance is. I want to help people and I want to set a good example of caring, loving, helping, and doing good things. However, it’s so easy to become prey to people who just take advantage of you...Especially at my job.

But You showed me that I don’t have to feel like a doormat at work.  I don’t have to always feel stressed, frustrated, and used. You taught me that THAT is not humility. Humility is being an empty vessel and letting YOUR WILL be carried out in my life, rather than my wants or feelings. That is why I feel so disturbed because I feel that I’m out of balance. I feel pulled in both directions. I pray to You Lord Jesus Christ for peace in my heart and to You Holy Spirit for discernment. I want to do what’s good and right. You know that I have good intentions Lord. But my body does not always follow my spirit. I don’t want to be lazy and I sure don’t want to escape from responsibility. But I also don’t want to be used by people. I ask You Lord to please help me figure out a good boundary so that I know when to step in and help out and when to say no.  

Saturday April 23, 2011 - Holy Saturday

Today's lessons:
Do not be greedy
Your money is not your own, but comes from God
(You are not the owner of anything, but a steward of it)

Today, You convicted me very strongly about greediness. Although I don’t like to think of myself as greedy, I felt so strongly that You are telling me to quit being so dependent upon my parents’ money. I have been freely using their credit card to buy lunches and snacks at work, and even sometimes clothes or other online purchases. On our way to Mike’s house tonight, I was trying to reflect upon my life because there still was a storm in my soul from yesterday. Instead, You  gave me thoughts of something completely different than I was trying to deal with. All of a sudden, I started feeling very badly about “using” my parents, since I work and have my own money and do not need somebody else’s. It was so strange because I just had such a  strong feeling about this that I decided right that second, not even giving it a single thought more, that I will simply stop using my parents money. I decided, very surely and firmly, that I will never again use their card. You blessed me with a job, you blessed me with plenty of money to take care of my own needs by myself. I felt that my parents need the money more than I do. Never before have I even considered this issue. Never have I been confronted about it. But you finally gave me the understanding—the truth. And the wonderful thing is that not only did my greedy human nature not rebel against this conviction, and my decision to change my ways was immediate, but that even later, when I no longer had that strong feeling and conviction—I stuck to my decision without any second thoughts. Thank you Lord for convicting me and helping me see and correct my faulty reasoning. Please keep doing that Lord. Because I really love that way you have already changed me and I would love to see more changes. I am free for you to mold me into anything you want. I am open—completely open to anything you want to do with me—or with my life. I belong to you. And that in itself, is so precious and so comforting.

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