Thursday, August 28, 2014

Baby? Residency? All of the above? [Part 1]

What it is that you're calling me to do God? Because I am utterly confused...

My husband won't speak.
So please, at least You speak to me, Lord.

He won't speak of babies.
He won't speak of residency.

We're too busy.

Running around like crazy...never enough time for a deeper conversation...conversation about our future...the future of our marriage, jobs, babies.
 
He wants me to just start working and paying off my student loans...but he doesn't understand. Ideal situation for him would be NO RESIDENCY and BABIES ON HOLD until I get a real grown-up job. And I understand him, partially. After going through 4 years of pharmacy school, my student loans will be in the $100k's, and he's anxious that we won't make it...That if we start having babies, I will only be able to work part time or not work for a while, and there is no way we can pay our mortgage, bills, and my students loans with his earnings alone. We are pretty much living paycheck to paycheck already...without babies, without being hit by my students loans yet (Those will start in May, after I graduate).

But what he doesn't understand or take into consideration is my heart and how I feel. I am yearning to start a family...to have a little teeny human being to call my own...and to also have a meaningful pharmacist job where I can truly make a difference, and be intellectually fulfilled at the same time (# nerd girl problems). But of course, God's plans and God's will supercedes all of that. I cannot rely on my feelings, passions, dreams to tell me what to do with my future (since those are often unstable and ever-changing)...I can only hope those feelings line up with God's will. But if they don't, God's will is above all in my life. I'm serious. I'll give up my desires and dreams and blah blah blah if God could only tell me what He wants me to do with my life. I'm unclear right now and this brings a great deal of trouble to my soul.

I feel so unfulfilled. I need someone to care, someone to ask me how I feel and what my plans/ goals are.

I guess You are the only one I have Jesus.

So I will keep pouring out my soul to you, and resting in You...for who loves me more than You do?

P.S. I wish I at least knew what Your Will was...

I don't want to go through the super difficult residency application process, if I will end up not getting in because You didn't want me to get in, in the first place...or getting in but being unhappy because You had other plans for me and I convinced myself that residency is the way to go. So many unanswered questions Lord...so many doubts...fears...unknowns. Lead me. I will follow you BLINDLY, no matter what/where/how. Even if it hurts.



To be continued....
  
Update: Here is Part 2

9 comments:

  1. I hope your husband reads your post and takes you on a special date or makes a special time to really connect with you, talk, share, listen and BE with you so you will not feel so lonely! Prayers for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amy, thanks for your concern. I have talked with my husband a bit about my desires to start a family...we didn't have a very deep conversation but a conversation nonetheless. I guess we both really don't know what to do (and what God wants us to do). I'll just keep praying and trusting....

      Delete
  2. "God's will is above all in my life. I'm serious. I'll give up my desires and dreams and blah blah blah if God could only tell me what He wants me to do with my life."
    "I wish I at least knew what Your Will was...

    http://prawie-jak-eden.blogspot.com/2014/05/ha.html
    http://www.rozmawiamy.jezuici.pl/articles/52/n/43

    :) :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dziekuje! Zabieram sie do czytania...

      Delete
    2. and one more:)
      http://www.odnowa.jezuici.pl/szum/animatorzy-i-liderzy-mainmenu-34/formacja-duchowa-mainmenu-37/367-pragnienie-czy-zachcianka

      Unfortunately, this doesn't say how to deal with men's rational thinking. ;)

      Delete
    3. Wow, where are you finding these awesome articles? these are great! Thank you so much!

      Delete
    4. ur welcome:) i've been digging into the same subject and asking the same questions quite a lot lately and got some nice results, articles, conferences etc. just thought i'd share, 'cause these are my favourite and i guess the most helpful ones. :)
      Fabian Błaszkiewicz speaks a lot about desires, passion and God's will. veeery inspiring :)

      Delete
  3. Agnes, may your prayer be "Lord, open the doors that need to be opened, and close the doors that need to be closed." You and your husband will be in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Grace. Yes, I often pray that prayer, it brings me peace!

      Delete