Friday, August 29, 2014

Baby? Residency? All of the Above? [Part 2]

Read [part 1] of this post here.
(And thank you readers for your comments, encouragement, prayers, and articles to read. You guys are awesome and your support truly helps me.)

[Part 2]

Everything is just wonderful with my pharmacy rotations and I am loving every day. I hope You're not tricking me Lord! I hope this joy and passion that sprung up in me on this current rotation as well as the last one isn't just my own or isn't the devil's tool to trip me up. What I hope is that it is truly from the Lord and that it has ignited in me for a reason....and I hope all this knowledge, talent, and years of education and thousands of dollars of debt are not all in vain, I hope that God is behind it, building the house - and that my labor and toil are not in vain.

Of course I am ready to accept all for God's sake but it does scare me to think of landing a job where my learning and growth and passion come to a dead end. Right now, with the way things are going, with how I'm doing on rotation, what I'm experiencing externally AND [most importantly] internally, I have my heart set on pursuing a pharmacy residency.

....But I also kind of have an internal conflict because "where do babies fit in?"

You know Lord how much I already want to start a become a mother....but You've also put me through so much trouble and education for a reason, I hope. So while I  know how I feel and I know what I would LIKE to do with my career -  as always - I place it all in God's hands.

Whatever happens: residency, baby, babies, or all of the above, I accept God's will.

Residency + Baby would be best I might kill myself in the process or go insane....and be very, very POOR...and I would deprive my baby of a mother...since residents typically work 10-12 hour days and have to do research/projects on top of that. To expand on my idea of being "very, very poor," I just realized that we've been living from paycheck to paycheck since we got married...and that's with me working part time in addition to Greg working full time...and I realize that I'll be hit with a "second mortgage" once I graduate and have to start paying off my pharmacy school student loans (which will be six figures). If we were to have a baby before I finish my residency or find a job, we would most definitely not make it financially. Either our mortgage would go unpaid, or my loans, or the baby wouldn't have diapers/formula/clothes.

So this is why my heart is kind of split right now.

I want to pursue post-graduate training (aka Residency) and have a fulfilling career as a pharmacist, as a real healthcare professional, and not just an overworked, underappreciated, retail pharmacist who is forced to check and counsel on medications that do not align with his/her ethics/faith (i.e. emergency contraception / abortifacients).

And I also cannot wait to have a baby. It is very, very, very, very hard being the babyless couple on the block. I already talked about how the #1 most commonly asked question to newlyweds is: ARE YOU PREGNANT YET? or WHEN ARE YOU GUYS HAVING A BABY? And it breaks my heart to not be able to give them an answer. My husband and I just look at each other with this blank look...and I usually just respond by saying "We don't know...whenever God gives it, we'll take it!"

Back to my original point...

 The question is NOT what I want, but rather what plans the good Lord has for me, for us, for our future family. I think my future family would be better off if their mother worked at a job that makes her happy, versus a job that makes the most money...cuz "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

So right now...

I am just 100% open to God's Will.
And our marriage is a 100% open to life.

I know how I feel and I know what I'm passionate about at the moment, but I don't know what to do! From my understanding of my feelings and what lies in my heart and what kind of person I am (NERD x 300%....can never get away from reading, learning, you probably know by now if you've been reading this blog), I assume the Lord wants me to at least apply for least put me through that experience.

If I apply and don't get in, at least I'll have a definite NO,  and I'll know God doesn't want me there...(Although I'd prefer if the Lord just let me know what to do now, before the application process officially begins in October, because it is a very long, difficult process that takes from October to March...and I don't want to waste these months trying to get into a place where I don't belong in the first place. But again, if what is in my heart at this present moment was put in there by God, then I'm okay...I just hope I'm not making all of this up and following my own dreams/desires, leaving out God's will).
If I do get in, then I'll assume it was God's plan since He let it happen, He put me in the right place, with the right people, at the right time. I feel very strongly about that. And I'm truly hoping that God is guiding that decision, putting those feelings there, making me who I am today.

Lord God,
My King, My Redeemer, 
My intentions are GOOD and my desire is only one: to follow Your Will in my life.  

I ask You only for one thing: DO NOT LET ME STRAY FROM YOUR PATH! 

I do not know what Your desires are for me, but I do know that I will blindly follow them. Here I am Lord, at Your service...
Make me a clinical pharmacist, a retail pharmacist, an assistant professor of pharmacy, or a mama of 5 before 30, or anything Your Infinitely Good Heart Desires to make of me...and I will BE IT and BE IT to the BEST of my ability! Don't worry about how I feel... and if my feelings are causing me to stray, remove them, send them away! But if my feelings are from You and Your plan for me is to do a residency, then make those feelings stronger! Make me an excellent candidate for residency! Give me babies before, during, or after.....or all of the above! I know that everything that happens in my life happens because You let it happen, and everything I have is from You. 

Therefore, I reject NOTHING that comes from YOU...whether it is joys; feelings of love, passion, and purpose; or feelings of disappointment; or crosses that break my back. ALL is GOOD that comes from You oh God. Do not let me stop You from shaping me, working through me, creating out of me the kind of woman You made me to be. I am completely open to Your Will. I ask for guidance and discernment so that I may make the best decisions for myself, my husband, for our future family, and for all the patients I will impact in my future practice.

Of course, not long after I finished writing this post, God put in my face Kendra's blog post from July, titled "Dear Newlywed, You're Probably Worried About the Wrong Thing." Thanks God. I guess you're listening ;-)


  1. I feel your pain. I think God works with our desires so using your gifts in the work place is a good thing. I like your prayer for God to grant your desires or remove the desires. How could he not answer that? My husband and I are using the financial rules of Dave Ramsey and it has really helped us to get free of my school debt as well as learn to live on a budget without stress. Whatever you choose, I believe there are ways to make it work and God will bless you for following him. After all, you are so wanting to follow his will, how could he not answer that prayer?

    1. Thank You Ellen for your reassurance. I was thinking the same thing yesterday. If GOD is Almighty and if I am completely open to His Will in my could His Will not triumph???

  2. I am praying for special intentions for you and Greg every night when I pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet.

    Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion — inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.

    1. Oh Thank You so much Mike. Prayers are so, very, deeply appreciated. Especially the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. That prayer has so much power and brings so much comfort.