Thursday, August 7, 2014

Quick rant about pharmacy rotations, residency, self-discipline, and the Will of God

Too little discipline in my life and too much laziness and wasting time. I do all the things I enjoy (gardening, cooking, cleaning, reading, writing) but cannot get myself to sit down and study and be an excellent student pharmacist....And everyday, I just stuff my face with food whenever my body pleases, and every day I put off running because I have a million excuses, with the real truth behind it simply being my laziness. I always have "other" things to do before I do the good things that require discipline, such as studying, exercising, spending extra time in prayer, and eating well. And lately my behavior has been driving me nuts, yet I cannot seem to follow my own advice and fix my behavior. Self-discipline in today's world is very, very hard. At least for weak-willed people like me. It's hard to say no to our bodies and live righteously, following our spirit. Hence when I'm in the midst of failure or succumbing to a weakness, I say to God: "Lord, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

But I really need to prioritize this issue and address and change my late behavior. If I don't sit and think of a plan, of a strategy to change things around, my human / bodily habits and lack of self-control and self-discipline will drive my spirit nuts. As I let each day pass by in this state of passivity, laziness, and mediocrity, I am getting more and more agitated and less and less patient with myself. This is good though! I am on my way to making some big changes in my life! I know it. I cannot live and waste these precious God-given days by just being passive and average. I have a purpose to fulfill...I have a body and mind to discipline to achieve this purpose....I have people to take care of and to inspire in my life. I shall tolerate nothing less than EXCELLENCE in my studies and on rotations and I will be the best pharmacy student and wife and runner and intern and cook and blogger and Catholic I can.

There are waaaaaaay too many average people in the world. Ain't nobody got time for being average.

I have to pray and meditate upon the specific changes I want to make but all I know is that this time I will not let myself slip and fail. My last self-discipline undertaking (aka "8 week challenge" back in May-June) failed after about 3-4 weeks. I simply let myself slip and fall away from the good habits I established in my life....all simply due to a lack of SELF-DISCIPLINE.

My favorite quote on self discipline comes from Theodore Roosevelt. That quote just really speaks to my heart and I totally agree with it. You don't have to be smart or talented, you just have to be disciplined and work your butt off to achieve great things in life.


I will have discipline and
I will make sacrifices and
I will do all of this for my Lord, offering everything to my Mighty Savior.

P.S. Lord, the other reason why I want to be an excellent student pharmacist and excellent future pharmacist is that this residency thing has really taken a hold of my heart...this clinical pharmacy position really feels like the perfect place for me...especially when combined with academia. I feel that that would be my dream job: clinical pharmacist / assistant professor of pharmacy. I really hope that this is Your Will for me and that this great "right" feeling is coming from You (that You put it there to let me know where to go...what to pursue...what Your path is for me). I hope I'm not just making this up in my head. I'm not sure what it is, but this gen med rotation gives me this great feeling of joy and peace in my clinical pharmacy (maybe even general medicine focused) is where I belong. At this point, I could certainly imagine doing that for the rest of my life versus working and being overworked at a retail pharmacy. (I have this strong feeling of motivation and the desire to excel on this rotation! I haven't felt this motivated in a long time....perhaps not ever)(By the way, here is where I wrote about my current rotation, Part 1 and Part 2). But Lord, what do I know? You know it all. I cannot rely just on my own feelings because feelings come and go...and feelings can sometimes be false or even come from the evil one. I can only hope that it is You who placed this desire in my heart. But Lord, You know me better than I know myself. You know what's best for our marriage and our future family. Whatever happens, wherever You take me, I thank You. Let Your Will be done.

 Thrilled for another afternoon of NERD excellent overachieving pharmacy student fun.

Leave some love in the comments for this poor, lonely pharmacy student who spends more time with her pharm notes and her cat than anything else combined. Haha. Just kidding, it's not that bad. I <3 studying pharmacy. [But seriously, sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me for enjoying reading and studying as much as I do. But I live a pretty normal life with a good balance of chores and activities and time well-spent with my don't worry about my sanity. I'm still far ;-) ]

Have a great day!


  1. Oh Agnes, I know I haven't met you, but I just want to give you a big hug. I applaud your self improvements efforts, but to try to excell in each and every area you mentioned seems to be a great receipe for burnout. I have found, personally, that making small changes at a time and building them into habits proves much more fruitful than diving all in and trying to do everything at the same time. Perhaps a small step or two? Maybe getting up fifteen minutes early for prayer time. Or picking one night a week to really cook a nice meal. Or one weekend a month to do freezer meals. Or adding in one extra run a week until you get to a sustainable schedule. Does that make sense? In all your efforts, please remember to be gentle with yourself. I'm not talking about giving into lazy tendencies, but just not being too harsh and critical on yourself for every perceived failure. Best of luck. I look forward to part II.

  2. Aw, thanks for the hug! I love hugs. I know I'm beating myself up and trying to make huge changes in my life...but the only reason why I'm doing this is that my current state of laziness / apathy is making me feel really crappy, fatigued,and just unhappy with myself. I've been trying to change these habits in my life for a while now, but end up failing each time. So every once in a while, I have to give myself a little shake of self-discipline and try to start all over again! I think if I just start praying more and put that in the center, everything else will be easier and fall into place because I will have my priorities straight. Thanks for your concern Ann-Marie!