Tuesday, January 6, 2015

My Discernment Journey and My Vocation [Part 2]



Part 1, which includes the intro to the topic and the first month of my journey, can be found here:

My Discernment Journey and My Vocation [Part 1]

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OCTOBER
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10/8/14
1.5 hour Eucharistic adoration today
Meditation on the gospel
Adoro te devote
Then just kneeled there in silence
Asking Jesus to speak to me
Or to remain silent...whatever He wishes
But I said that for the remainder of adoration, I am there completely, totally FOR HIM
Not going to say any prayers, just will kneel in silence and stare at the Holy Sacrament
"I'm just here for You Jesus
I don't have to say anyting
You don't have to say anything
I'm just here for you"
Just here, spending time with my beloved.
I'm sure my beloved doesn't just want prayers recited to him
He wants ME, my presence, because He loves me more than I can imagine.
And so I sat in silence and waited to see whether He would speak to me.

And this whole future / residency / career thing came to mind.
And I think Christ opened my eyes to a major truth.
I started telling him all these things I'm worried about...all these questions that have been on my mind for the past couple of months:

  • "what if this isn't your will???"
  • "what if I make the wrong decision???"
  • "what if apply to the wrong programs???"
  • "what if you want me somewhere else???"

....and then Christ speaks:
"I AM GOD ALMIGHTY AND I HAVE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IN MY HANDS and you're worried about a million little things?!?!"

And it dawned on me.

If God has a place for me, and I am actively seeking His Will and want to follow whatever it is that is in HIS PLAN for me, then nothing will stop the LORD OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE from carrying out His plans. 

And I finally admitted to myself and in front of God, that I DO, in fact,  feel STRONGLY about pursuing a residency and a future career that is outside of retail pharmacy.

2 specific reasons that came to mind during adoration were:
1) I believe God has given me talents much beyond what I can do at the retail pharmacy level
2) I believe that God does not want me in a setting where I am expected to dispense and counsel on contraception and the crazy, unthinkable side of women's health that isn't women's health at all. I don't want to kill babies. And I don't want to poison my patients with birth control pills. I don't want to see them develop blood clots and cancer. This is not healthcare. This is NOT the reason why I'm in this field.

I believe that God created me for so much more.

But even though The Lord has increased my faith and my confidence through this discernment, I still have doubts in the back of my mind somewhere and I don't want to say things for sure because there is always a chance I am being deceived by the devil (hopefully not, I pray regularly and try to listen to God's voice)...and if for whatever reason, I don't get into a residency, then I'll feel really stupid after being so confident that I'm hearing this from God. But I guess that's what faith is all about.


I DON'T KNOW.
AND I CAN'T ASSUME.
BUT I CAN LISTEN TO GOD'S VOICE IN THE SILENCE AND STRONGLY BELIEVE the convictions and passions He placed in me.

HE IS GOD OF THE UNIVERSE.
HE WILL PLACE ME WHERE HE WANTS ME.

So I had this vision in my head of my life and myself just stepping back and letting God take control...take the steering wheel. 

And I will listen to His voice that I believe I heard in my soul during adoration...that I should just simply step back, TRUST, and let things play out on their own...HE IS IN CONTROL.

This post was supposed to be over but before I edited it to be published, this happened....

10/9/14
Got an e-mail from my school that my clinical specialty rotation (Cardiology at Rush University Medical Center) is cancelled (the professor/pharmacist just had a baby) and that they placed me at another hospital for a clinical specialty of NEONATAL INTENSIVE CARE AND PEDIATRICS.

And my first two gut reactions:
1) OMG, this is so far away (37 miles, including having to drive through the entire downtown Chicago, because it's north of the city and I live waaay southwest of downtown in the suburbs)
2) OMG, what is God doing? I told him my dream is to be a NICU pharmacist but I didn't really have any rotations or experiences with NICU/pediatrics to test out my calling and OMG HERE IT IS.

I literally just told my 2nd rotation block professor (the above-mentioned Dr. O) when discussing residency, about my dream job being sort of what he does: clinical pharmacist + pharmacy school professor...and that my dream job would be to be a NICU pharmacist because I wanna save aaaaaaalllll the babies. And he told me that I should pick residencies with rotations in NICU/peds because it is a whole different world of pharmacy, completely different medications and doses. And I've never even taken a peds class or anything...the only things I know about peds is how to dose acetaminophen, ibuprofen, amoxicillin, and azithromycin.

Are things just really working out this way for a reason? I'm sure they are. In Fr. Walter Ciszek's book it says: Nothing happens if God does not will it or allow it to happen to us.

Also, other indicators that I should do residency....on which I just connected the dots yesterday...

The fact that God is making the application process just a little bit too easy for me...
I remember agonizing over how lengthy and complicated the app process is....
You have to fill out a long application plus provide 3 letters of recommendation from your clinical preceptors/professors, a letter of intent (a 1-2 page personal statement), a Curriculum Vitae, and for many programs, a separate supplemental application with essay questions to answer.

And I have almost everything done now and I haven't even decided 100% about residency and the apps aren't due until early January.

God pushed me to get it all done during my first 2 rotations.
My last professor MADE ME write a CV and he helped me to modify it / improve it.
He made me create a presentation that I can use for residency interviews. He also criticized it and gave lots of helpful feedback. But that meant that I had to take time to sit down and edit it...and I probably wouldn't do this until last minute, before the interviews. But NOPE, my current perceptor (ambulatory care rotation) was looking through my rotation binder and as soon as she saw the topic of my presentation (anticoagulation, which is what she does), she said: "I want you to give this talk in clinic on Friday."Great. That means I have to do the work now to edit it. And that means I will have helpful feedback from an expert in the field: an anticoagulation  pharmacist that's been practicing for 11 years.

So literally God is making me get EVERTHING done now, as part of my rotations. By the time the app process actually opens in November (apps are due early January), I will have it mostly done.

Literally... it's like God is making sure I Have NO EXCUSES not to apply.

Like I told you, God also placed me in rotations and with preceptors that are definitely pushing me to do residency. They don't want me to waste my talents and waste my life in retail. (Sorry, I've been talking crap about retail all this time...for all you folks who want to work retail pharmacy, it's not that bad, it just may not be for everyone. And for you readers that are the patients who pick up prescriptions at retail pharmacies, the pharmacists behind the counter are really good people....I mean really good, caring, compassionate health care professionals...it's the retail companies themselves that have to really re-think their purpose of having a pharmacy inside their stores, beside the purpose of making money).

10/10/14 
Yesterday I was so sure.
Today, there is trouble in my heart.

 What my preceptor (the ambulatory care clinical pharmacist) told me, in private, behind closed doors.

She has 3 girls. She had her mom to help her during the week so she could keep her job, but this was not good for her marriage. In fact, her marriage just ended a few months ago. She asked me if I have baby fever since I mentioned that I'm struggling with deciding to pursue residency due to wanting to start a family already. And she said that she agrees, that is a hard decision. Because even after residency, there aren't very many clinical positions she knows that are not full time (not mommy-friendly). And unlike other people, I don't have parents here to help me out (mine are in Michigan, 2 states away, Greg's are close but will probably be moving back to Poland soon once retired) and I definitely don't want my babies to be raised in daycare. I want to be there for my babies. I want to raise them.

HAD A BIG INTERNAL CONFLICT on my commute back home (which was an entire hour).

"Whyyyy  am I even getting this darn education, spending all this time and huge money to get a PharmD if I also have such a strong desire to be a good wife & mother and to raise my kids myself. I mean I just don't know. I really don't.

Only He knows.

And I'm just going to have to trust Him. I don't know if/when/where He wants me to work and if/when to have babies. He's the BOSS."

So just lots and lots of thoughts flying trough my head today. It's a difficult Friday. And the fact that I'm lonely on a Friday night for the nth time in a row, and I haven't really talked to my husband at all this week except on the phone...really,  really SUCKS. His stupid machining and welding job that doesn't even pay very much money and we're sacrificing all these beautiful days of our young, fresh marriage b/c he's been constantly working nights. All this sacrificing for his stupid job. And we're still poor and living paycheck to paycheck. Because I barely make any money. Because I'm on rotations...which is like FREE work...wait, not free, I have to pay $40,000 tuition for 4th year. So I'm paying to work. And the debt and student loans looming over us causes me great distress too. Today is a day when I really question why I even went to pharmacy school...and dug myself into all these student loans...which means I will HAVE TO WORK full time to be able to pay for them. Darn it. Sometimes it seems like there is no way out.

Whatever.

God brought me to it, He'll bring me through it.

I mean I'm sure He put me through pharm school for a reason. I'm just not a "career" type of person - I mean the type of person that puts their career as #1 priority in their life and will not have kids UNTIL they are completely satisfied with where they got with their career.

Me? I'm just strugglin' to finish school and I wish I could have a family now...but I'm stuck. And poor. And in debt. If we have a baby on top of it and I can't work...we'll be screwed. [excuse the language]

Oh man. Why is life so unfair?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!

(oh yeah, plus people and this world are depressing me. All this controversial stuff on facebook. Abortion. The Culture of Death. ISIS. Religious brainwashing. Sooo depressing...The state of morality in today's world is literally making me cry).


 10/11/14 
Ran across Leila Miller's post: Catholic freedom of choice is freedom from anxiety

Here are some highlights that spoke to me:

Among my real life friends and my blogger friends, I've noticed that many devout Catholics get extremely stressed when trying to discern God's will: Should I adopt this particular baby, should I marry this particular man, should I quit my job, should I move, should I (fill in the blank)? How do I make sure that this choice is God's will and not my own? Ack!! Help!

It's a very great thing to want to do God's will in all things, and it's nothing short of inspiring to hear and feel the sincerity of these pure-hearted women (and men, but it's mostly women who worry like this).

However, I started to notice that many faithful, Magisterium-loving Catholics are so afraid they might somehow step outside of God's will that they become anxiety-ridden. The angst they feel in not wanting to offend God by making the "wrong" choice is severe, and it can be debilitating.

But we are Catholics, and that kind of burden is unnecessary! Here is what is so freeing about our Catholic Faith: When our intentions are good and the choices before us are moral, we are free!

Let me restate it another way: As long as we are not choosing something evil, we are free to embrace any path that God opens before usSo, you are free to choose to adopt that baby, to marry that man, to take (or quit) that job, to move to that city, to buy that house, or any other morally licit option. You are also free to choose not to adopt that baby, marry that man, etc.

This is the beauty of Catholicism. Our free will is the greatest gift God gives us, allowing us the dignity to choose our own path, as long as we do not choose sin. Sin is the only thing that offends God, the only thing that he will not bless, and the only thing that is not within His will for us. If we are not choosing sin, then we remain in a state of grace. This is a beautiful, liberating truth, which leaves little room for fear and anxiety!

But then, of course, the question becomes: How do we choose between two moral options?

Well, remember, we are talking about two moral and licit options (immoral choices are never acceptable). If God places two or more moral choices before us, then we should go with the choice which brings us the most interior peace. If we feel more tranquility at the thought of choosing Option A, then we go with Option A. Option A may actually cause us more external suffering or hardship, but that is of no consequence. It's about the peace we feel in our soul.

But wait! This is important! Even if a soul should "miss" whatever path God may have originally laid out for him (i.e., some people do miss their calling as a priest or religious), that person still has not committed a sin if his intentions were good! This is so important for people to know, especially the scrupulousGod will work with whatever path we have put ourselves on. He is pleased to honor our choices. He is not a puppet master pulling our strings. He is a loving Father who delights in seeing His children choose freely.

So, instead of agonizing over every movement and decision, enjoy the authentic freedom of being a Catholic! We are so blessed! We are not shackled slaves whose every move is orchestrated and monitored (as so many people think of Catholics...ugh!). We know that the only slavery is slavery to sin. If you are not choosing sin as an option, then put aside your anxiety, and enjoy your God-given freedom!



10/12/14

Today, I ran across a wonderful article on discernment written by none other than Peter Kreeft. 


The points Kreeft makes that particularly caught my attention and confirmed what I was already in the process of learning are as follows:
  1. All God's signs should line up, by a kind of trigonometry. There are at least seven such signs: (1) Scripture, (2) church teaching, (3) human reason (which God created), (4) the appropriate situation, or circumstances (which he controls by his providence), (5) conscience, our innate sense of right and wrong, (6) our individual personal bent or desire or instincts, and (7) prayer. Test your choice by holding it up before God's face. If one of these seven voices says no, don't do it. If none say no, do it. 
  2. Look for the fruits of the spirit, especially the first three: love, joy, and peace. If we are angry and anxious and worried, loveless and joyless and peaceless, we have no right to say we are sure of being securely in God's will. Discernment itself should not be a stiff, brittle, anxious thing, but—since it too is part of God's will for our lives—loving and joyful and peace-filled, more like a game than a war, more like writing love letters than taking final exams. 
Now to our question. Does God have just one right choice for me to make each time? If so, I must find it. If not, I should relax more and be a little looser. 

...we often get bent out of human shape by our desire—in itself a very good desire—to find God's perfect will for us.... Most Christians, including many of the saints, don't, in fact, have the discernment we are asking about, the knowledge of what God wills in every single choice. It's rare. Could something as important as this be so rare? Could God have left almost all of us so clueless? Darkness and uncertainty are as common in the lives of the saints, in Scripture as well as afterwards, as pain and poverty are. The only thing common to all humanity that the gospel guarantees to free us from is sin (and its consequences, death, guilt, and fear), not suffering and not uncertainties. If God had wanted us to know the clear, infallible way, he surely would have told us clearly and infallibly.

God did in fact give us: free will and His law... not to make us worried but to keep us safe so that we could play the great games of life and love and joy....If your heart loves God, it is worth following. If it doesn't, then you're not interested in the problem of discernment of his will anyway.

 10/15/14
Preliminary interview at the university with a potential residency program of interest...and guess what??? The interviewer was a NICU/PICU/Pediatrics clinical coordinator/pharmacist. OMG. Again....God, are you trying to tell me something?

10/18/14
Bad weekend at work.
Agnes screaming in her head at the end of her 10 hour Saturday shift: "I HAAATE RETAIL PHARMACY" 

10/21/14
Yet another discernment article just randomly popped up in my life. This was an article on NC Register by Simcha Fisher.

Here is the link, if you would like to read it (it's good, so do read it): Discernment: What it Does and Doesn't Mean.

10/23/14 
Got my Midpoint Evaluation by my preceptor today. It went something like this:
"You're very good at this, your projects so far are excellent. I think you'd do well in a residency, so if You want to do one, I will fully support you (hint: write you a letter of recommendation)"

Feelings of happiness flooded me.

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NOVEMBER
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11/3/14
On Relevant Radio during my commute: "But don't ask God for a certainty that is not yours to have. You need to live by faith."
- Thanks. I needed that.

11/13/14
Final evaluation of me by preceptor in a nutshell: "You are resident material."

Last day of  my ambulatory care rotation: saved a patient from a hemorrhagic stroke that was waiting to happen! When I came out of the room as the paramedics were taking her, a huge smile came onto my face and I said out loud: "We saved her."

It felt sooo darn good.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO: SAVE LIVES! 
I want to promote the culture of life and not participate in the culture of death by dispensing OC's from behind a retail pharmacy counter.

Monday I start my NICU/PICU/Peds (Neonatal/Pediatric Intensive Care) rotation. OH EM GEE! If I fall in love with these babies/kids...then I know what I'm doing for the rest of my life. LOL. No I don't...but I'm sure I'll figure it out within the next 2 months. Will see how my next rotation goes....I'm sure God will make me KNOW in my heart what He wants me to do...and we'll see if I get into a residency program...and we'll see if I'm pregnant or not. Yep. I have been uber open to life recently. I mean I basically stopped charting. Or whatever is left of my charting, I'm really bad at it. I do some basic observation of fertililty signs, but don't even really record them, I just wing it and leave the rest open to God. And so far, looks like God wants to keep us waiting to become parents.

11/18/14 
Today was my first real day in the NICU. Today I saw the babies. <3 <3 <3 <3. So tiny. So fragile. So quiet. So cute. My heart was melting as I walked from incubator to incubator. All preemies in the NICU. I read notes about them in the AM as I prepared for rounds. I read about one of them being 27 weeks. About another weighing only 0.6kg. But I didn't realize how tiny (almost unreal) they were until I saw them. Never seen such tiny babies before. They were all so calm...just sleeping so peacefully. They looked comfortable. I wanted to cuddle each one of them.

11/26/14
Listened to Jennifer Fulwiler's podcast with guest speaker Lisa Jo Baker.
The gist of the message:
"Getting the business card does not mean no children. Having children does not mean dropping the career. One is not more important than the other. Changing the world through your career is not more important than cleaning up vomit at 2am. God gives us these amazing multi-purpose lives."

Thank you God...again, perfect message at the perfect time.

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DECEMBER
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12/2/14
Got an offer letter from Walmart.
Thankful? Yes
Excited? Not really.
It's in the next state over (Indiana).
It's a retail job.
Benefit? It relieved at least some anxiety that if I don't get into a residency, I have something (although undesired and not optimal for me) to fall back on. At least I won't be stuck with student loan payments starting and me having no job and no money to make those payments. But I still believe God has a better plan for me.

12/8/14: Meanwhile in California...
I thought I had it all figured out. Especially with these past 3-4 rotations. I enjoyed them so much I KNEW I wanted to do residency so I could do those jobs. 


Went to the Midwestern University banquet/event here at the ASHP Midyear Conference in California (Wrote about that here and here). Talked extensively with some classmates who are doing sequential rotations at this one hospital, which I strongly considered for residency....very strongly....before their testimony. These three students are there for 3 rotations in a row and have done some great research for the institution..and they know for sure they would get IN to their residency program if they applied. YET... they're not even going to apply to this place.  In such a competitive world, where there are 80 applicants fighting for 4 spots, and these 3 students have guaranteed spots and they're not even going to apply??!?!?!?!?! What kind of message does that send??? They basically mentioned that the current residents are miserable and hate their life, the hours are long, and some of the preceptors not so nice.
This testimony of theirs distressed me. But then again, I know that this is just their experience with one particular hospital and that not all places are like this.

My friends and I engaged in a conversation about weighing pros and cons of doing residency vs. doing retail (we all have jobs in retail pharmacy waiting for us when we graduate).

They all said that their parents and their significant others tell them they're crazy for considering residency, that they should just take a a high-paying, retail job. It seemed that all four of us having this conversation were on the same page when reiterating the pros/cons of pursuing a pharmacy residency. Basically, we all agreed that:
  •  Residency = 1 year of hell (crazy workload, crazy hours) + 1 year of getting paid very little (30-40%) of a pharmacists' pay
  • Then getting a position as a clinical pharmacist = getting paid 20% less in the long run (vs. retail pharmacist...gets a very high salary right off the bat)
  • If you work in a hospital, the hours are longer (can't just work an 8 hour shift, leave work at the door, and go home). You have to constantly learn and read new studies coming out (medicine and pharmacy are very fast-changing and advancing fields) to make sure you know your stuff since you're making critical decisions about patients every day. 

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, all 4 of us that had this conversation are smart cookies (straight A pharmacy school students aka nerds aka overachievers) and we just find it hard to leave this all behind and go work a retail pharmacy job. 

Well, today it's time to go to the residency showcase , we'll see what happens there.

12/11/14 
- AM
Back in Chicago. (And it's cold).

Talked to residency directors, residents, and fellow classmates in California. I thought midyear would clarify things for me in terms of discernment. Nope. Not after the MWU banquet.

The exact words out of my mouth as I was saying my night prayers last night: "Lord. Midyear confused the heck out of me, but I am already knee-deep in the residency application process, so apply I must."

"I am confused as heck but I trust you Lord. And you and I both know that I am completely 101% open to Your Will in my life. I honestly have no preference. Your preference is my preference. I got my job with WalMart (I'm less anxious now), I am knee-deep in the residency app process, and I am 100% open to life. In fact, I have been really really bad at NFP these last few months...b/c I just don't care anymore (not 'don't care about NFP' but rather 'don't mind getting pregnant at all and leaving it all in God's hands). I have been breaking rules of my sympto-thermal method and apparently, with my rule breaking not resulting in pregnancy, it is not God's will to give us a baby yet. Even though I'm so caught up in finishing pharmacy school and figuring out what God wants me to do with my life career-wise, I get a little disappointed with every new menstrual cycle that comes around. God knows my heart and knows my desire for a baby, but God also knows our almost non-existent means for caring for a baby right now. And I know that my husband is right. And for sure God is right. So I'm just going to continue in trusting in not only Your Will, but also in Your TIMING, which is always perfect. "

Well, all I know right now is that God wants me to apply. It's the least thing I can do. I already paid hundreds of bucks to sign up for the residency app process and for the residency match. I already asked my past 3 professors/preceptors to write me letter of recommendation. I spent hundreds of bucks on this trip to California for ASHP midyear's residency showcase. As I said, I'm already knee-deep....knee-deep in God's Will. He's allowing this. He's the Boss of this. He knows my heart and knows I have no plans but His plans. 


12/11/14
-PM note
As I'm looking through all the program brochures I received at Midyear and re-reading the notes I took while talking to residents and directors, and as I'm making my table of residency programs to which I will apply (pros, cons, general info), this thought pops into my head: "I need a residency that won't kill me, won't make me sick (physically: since a lot of them require work 12 days ON, 2 days off; and mentally: I want to stay sane); and ONE THAT WILL ALLOW ME TO GO TO CHURCH ON SUNDAYS!!! I do NOT WANT TO WORK 12 DAYS STRAIGHT plus do projects on top of that, and cooking, and housework. I need a residency that won't ruin my marriage, health, and relationship with God. SO HELP ME GOD! wink wink (to Jesus).


12/15/14
Bumped into a guy on the elevator today here at AIMMC (my NICU rotation). He looked like a janitor or mechanic or something of that sort for the hospital. He heard me talking about Midyear. 
"My daughter went to that.." - he says
"She's now finshing a specialty 2nd year PGY-2 residency. And has 14 interviews for jobs" (in my head I'm thinking: FOURTEEN?!?!! HOLY CRAP. What specialty has such high demand?????)
And I respond calmly: "oh cool...what is she specializing in?" 
"Pediatrics"
Me: "Ohhh cool, that's what I wanna do!!!"
And we carried on with the rest of the conversation about all the cool things his daughter has done.

Now I'm sitting here and working on a project and this thought came into my head:
"was that you God?"
How did I get onto the same elevator, at the same time, in this huge hospital, as this hospital maintenance guy who so happens to have a daughter who is pharmacist and who is completeing a peds PGY2 and who so happened to inform me about how many jobs are available in peds.
(And did I mention that when I was in California for the midyear conference / residency showcase, when I started talking to a resident from the University of Chicago residency program...the resident I so happened to start talking to...she too, was going into pediatrics???) 

"Are you tring to tell me something God or was that really pure coincidence?"

As a Christian, I'm going to say: there are no coincidences in life.

12/17/14
More epiphanies and evidence today:
My NICU/peds receptor: "you're asking really good questions. I don't like that"
Me: "why don't you like that?"
Preceptor: I wasn't as smart as you when I was your age. 
She also stated that she will endorse me if I apply for residency at AIMMC and that I have really set myself apart from past and current students that were there with the work I have done.

I also realized that even though this rotation is very far away, requires me to drive almost 80 miles (~40 one way) daily, and requires that I wake up at 4:30am, get to the hospital by 6am and not leave until 6pm (to avoid Chicago downtown traffic)...even though these past few weeks have been filled with early mornings, long days, and late nights - I am very, very content. 

I realized that I have been praying and praising God every single morning, as I'm walking to the hospital from my parking spot, in the dark, cold, crispy air. And even though it's cold and dark and it's not even 6am yet, there is a huge smile on my face and so much gratitude in my heart every single day. Even with 12 hour days at the hospital here, I leave every evening happy, filled with energy and purpose. 

I love learning. I love the hospital environment. 
It makes me truly happy and highly motivated.
And this is what I need to tell them at the residency interviews. I just need to be completely honest.

Peace and Happiness >>>>> Money
And Morality/Ethics >>>>>Money, also

Well...
Res apps are due in 2-3 weeks.
So I will be working hard to get these done.
Interviews are in late Jan - Feb.
Match Day is late March.
The next 3 months will be stressful, but nothing I can't handle :-)
And then finally, we'll see what happens.
I KNOW EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT, as it is meant to work out (for the best of my future family, myself, and for the Greater Glory of God)

01/01/14
E-application for PhORCAS SUBMITTED.
Let the Hunger Games Begin (jk)

ALL OF A SUDDEN, as we're driving to Michigan with my husband for New Year's Eve and Day, this realization hit me that graduation is only 4.5 months away and that even if I do residency, I'll be done in July 2016 (1.5 yrs away), which means we can get pregnant this year already!!!!! For some reason in 2014, it seemed like any sight of pregnancy/baby was super far away if I decided to go through with residency...but now that I realized it's 2015 already, it all of a sudden seems like it's so much closer. And I realized I don't have to wait until the end of residency to get pregnant..I can carry the baby throughout residency and have the baby shortly after I'm done. (But of course, if God wants to give us a baby sooner, He knows we're open to that as well...). Ahhh the excitement in my heart this New Year's Day just cannot be contained. If all goes according to what I feel in my heart, 2015 will be a BIG YEAR for us. 
Ahhh....I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel!
Graduation is within sight
Residency is within sight
Pregnancy is within sight
Baby is within sight

I can become a mother this fall, just some months away!!!! TIME TO START PRAYING ABOUT THAT! :-) :-D 

(Yeah, I think I already decided against PGY-2 in my mind...heck no. I'm too old for that. Hehe. Well I'm only 24 but by the time I'd finish a PGY-2 I'd be almost 27 and my husband 30...). I always, always pictured myself getting married and starting a family in my EARLY twenties. And I'm feeling the call to motherhood becoming stronger and stronger and now I'm filled with hope, excitement, and anticipation. 

I CAN finally say...that if I get into a residency program, I know it was God's doing and I will be able to ACCEPT with a peace of mind.

(And while it would be hard to accept the fact that I didn't get matched to a residency program, I would swallow my pride and wipe away my tears and march forward like a soldier of Christ, march blindly to wherever it is that He wants me to go. I am not here to please myself and to live according to my own desires...Nope, not at all. I want my work to glorify the Lord and to help me become the person that God wants me to be.)

Amen!


6 comments:

  1. I can't wait to hear the rest!! I am so glad you are at peace now with wherever God may lead you!! These are tough years in terms of decision-making but as long as we keep moving, keep discerning and trust God, it will come together!

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    1. Yes Lianna! I will keep my blog updated on how interviews and other things go. I'm really hoping to get IN ....I have a lot of hope and there is a lot of excitement in me right now...I'm positive :-)

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  2. Your brother in ChristJanuary 8, 2015 at 11:19 AM

    You don't know me from Adam but I have been praying for you on this journey. I truly believe you will be much happier away from the retail setting. Obviously your faith is very important, I feel you will you will be very unhappy going against your faith and convictions.

    For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

    We have to accept life as it comes, reminding ourselves that our call to faith does not equal success, especially in the eyes of the world. Jesus called his disciples to faithfulness, not to successfulness. Settling for life as it comes does not mean failure, it means accepting that we are human and that we cannot do and have everything we want.

    May God continue to Bless you and Greg on this journey of life.

    May the Grace of our Lord Jesus be with you always

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    1. Thank you. Those are very wise and encouraging words. It always helps to know that someone out there is praying for me. And I absolutely agree. Who cares about money and success...I definitely value my faith and values over making more money. I see it more clearly now.

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  3. Thank you for opening your heart here and showing the difficult process that is discernment. It is truly amazing to read through your thoughts these past months and see God at work. I am not at all in your life circumstances but I am uplifted by witnessing your desire to follow His will. I can't wait to hear what happens next! Many blessings as you and your husband navigate the next few months.

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  4. Thank you Ellen. I am glad I wrote all of this down because God's Hand is definitely more clear and visible in this now that I look back and re-read my journey. I will keep you informed what happens. So far...I got an e-mail from one program for an interview in February...waiting for more emails/phone calls. We'll see what happens :-)

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