Thursday, February 5, 2015

Reflections From My Journal #11: January 31st 2015

Another post from my Reflections from my Journal series...simply because I was feeling inspired to share it.


January 31, 2015                                                            12:13am

It's Friday night and I just came home from work at 9:30pm and going right back at 9am...and as much as I don't want to work on this presentation for my very first residency interview (Monday)...I make this sacrifice for You Lord. I am following what I believe to be Your Will. I could be in bed right now cuddled up with my husband (and my cat)...but instead I'm going to sit here in my office by myself and read medical journal articles. I'm a little stressed but only because I don't know what to expect and because I only have Sunday to prepare and still sooooo much to do. I don't know which program has a place for me but I know that You have prepared a place for me oh Lord. I will do my best at all six of my interviews and hopefully You will bless me with the grace to properly discern which program to rank #1, #2, #3 etc in the residency match ranking system. Right now I equally like all 6 so I hope that the interviews will help me to eliminate, choose, and rank them in my head and in my heart.

Once again dear Jesus, my lover, my teacher, my friend:

I HAVE NO PREFERENCE BUT YOUR PREFERENCE
I HAVE NO WILL BUT YOUR WILL...
honestly, sincerely, truthfully.

I place myself, my marriage, my future into Your Hands completely. Do with me as you please. For nothing satisfies but to know that You are satisfied with me. Nothing pleases but to know that You are pleased with me.

NOTHING matters.
NOT money.
NOT comfort.
NOT fame.
NOT people's words.
NOT reputation.

I can be poor
and I can be hated by people
because...
nothing makes me RICHER than Your Love.

Jesus, My Dear Sweet Jesus,
I ask You only to have patience with me. I will get there. I know I keep failing You but I am making improvements, albeit small, but I keep moving forward. I'm trying to take small steps to live a life of holiness and virtue...and some days are better than others. But I will not stop trying. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. Inspired by the words of advice that Saint Therese of Lisieux told one of her novices, when the novice was having trouble overcoming her imperfections:

"You make me think of a little child that is learning to stand but does not yet know how to walk. In his desire to reach the top of the stairs to find his mother, he lifts his little foot to climb the first step. It is all in vain, and at each renewed effort he falls. Well, be like that little child. Always keep lifting your foot to climb the ladder of holiness, and do not imagine that you can mount even the first step. All God asks of you is good will. From the top of the ladder He looks lovingly upon you, and soon, touched by your fruitless efforts, He will Himself come down, and, taking you in His Arms, will carry you to His Kingdom never again to leave Him. But should you cease to raise your foot, you will be left for long on the earth."


Please just don't You give up on me my sweet Jesus. You are all I have and I live for none else but you.

You're so beautiful...
so pure...
so holy...

I wish I could touch You
hug you...
hold your hand...
just get lost in Your Embrace for eternity...
I could just sit and stare at Your forever, oh Beloved.
I can live on Your Love alone. 
You are my food.
my drink.
my place of rest. 
my Only One. 

[in Latin]:
"PRAY FOR US O HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
THAT WE MAY BECOME WORTHY OF THE PROMISES OF CHRIST"


(I'm a little obsessed with learning little prayers in Latin lately..and especially writing them in my journal. Latin is such a beautiful language. And praying in it makes me feel like I am connected with all the faithful on Earth, in the past and present, who use[d] that same language to praise the Lord).

Amen.

3 comments:

  1. Beautiful reflection Agnes! I have been praying that you find the right fit for residency!

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  2. Aw, you are the sweetest! prayer is so important, I thank you from the bottom of my heart Madeline!

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    Replies
    1. So nice to have spiritual sisters praying for one another!!!!!!!

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