Monday, March 2, 2015

Reflections From My Journal #12: Feeling Discouraged and Questioning God

Feeling inspired to share another journal entry with my readers as part of my Reflections from my Journal series.



        Monday, March 2nd, 2015                     5:56pm

Lord, sometimes EVERYTHING in life just plain sucks.

There are days like, for example today...days in which I see everything in a negative way...in which I am discouraged...days in which the logic and common sense in me asks: "DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE ANY MEANING? DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE ANY SENSE?"

Days, in which there is no joy in the soul, but rather a lack of peace. 

Days, in which I think about all of my hard work, never-ending studies, and my marriage, and I think: "WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL OF THIS? WHAT IS ALL OF THIS FOR?"

But when I think about You, Lord, everything starts making sense. My heart answers the questions of my logic and tells it: "IT IS ALL FOR LOVE." And true love DOES MAKE SENSE and DOES HAVE MEANING. 

Jesus, thank you for the fact that during difficult moments and days like these...these gray, monotonous, hopeless days, you remind me that my negative and hopeless feelings are just side effects (no pun intended, you future pharmacist, you) of spending too much time "in the world" and not enough time "in You." Now I know that feelings cannot always be trusted - and when those feelings of hopelessness come, that is just a sign for me that I need to spend some more time with HOPE ITSELF, aka You...because You give my life sense and meaning and You fill me with joy and love. 

But on days like these, the questions just come, one after another:

*WHAT'S THE POINT OF STUDYING SO HARD, NON-STOP, FOR SO MANY YEARS OF MY LIFE NOW???

* WHAT'S THE POINT OF PUTTING SO MUCH TIME AND EFFORT INTO RESIDENCY APPLICATIONS AND SO MUCH PREPARATION AND STRESS OF GOING THROUGH ALL  THESE RESIDENCY INTERVIEWS???

*WHY SHOULD I SACRIFICE A WHOLE ANOTHER YEAR OF MY LIFE TO COMPLETE A RESIDENCY, WHICH REQUIRES WORKING 70+ HOURS PER WEEK AND STUDYING EVEN HARDER THAN NOW FOR VERY LITTLE PAY COMPARED TO F I JUST ACCEPTED A RETAIL PHARMACIST POSITION??? AND THIS REQUIRES ME TO PUT OFF STARTING A FAMILY BY ANOTHER YEAR...WHAT'S THE POINT???

*WHAT'S THE POINT OF GOING THROUGH PHARMACY SCHOOL AND ACQUIRING AN INSANE AMOUNT OF STUDENT LOAN DEBT???

**WHAT IS THE POINT?????**

I do not have an answer to that.
I do not have a plan. I do not know the plan.

But My Lord God KNOWS. 
And He HAS A PLAN FOR MY LIFE. 
In this moment, I only have one answer to my million "why" and "what's the point" questions. And my answer is: 


FOR JESUS.

This is all for Him.
To fulfill His Holy Will. 

Because only in this way can I be happy and fulfilled.

Even though the path He prepared for me is narrow, rocky, and full of obstacles, I desire to walk ONLY THIS PATH and not any other...and through this path get to the SOURCE OF ALL LOVE - which is Christ Jesus, true God and true man. 

Dear God...

Today I offer you anew my marriage, my studies, my work, and my entire future (the future of my career and the future of my marriage and the future of my family). Everything I AM and everything I HAVE once again I place into Your Holy Hands. Never leave me for without you I do not know how to live.


Dear Daddy in heaven...

This child of yours here on Earth is innocent, defenseless, helpless, and completely dependent on YOU. This child falls many times but everytime she gets up again, she first LOOKS FOR YOU with her eyes and CALLS FOR YOU with her voice. This child is entirely Yours oh Lord. 
Not my will, but Yours be done - for I have NOTHING apart from YOU.


This absolutely beautiful song ("Without a Map") perfectly describes how I feel on those days that are full of discouragement and questioning...and boy does this song speak directly to my heart. I think each one of us has those days and those moments of doubts and questions and can relate to these beautiful lyrics:



God, I've been sent here blind to learn to see, 
Remembering you were always there with me. 
But do you know just how hard that's been? 
Could all of this have really been foreseen? 
I'd like to say a prayer, how does it go? 
I'm tired. Tell me, God, does it show? 
What could have called for such a handicap? 
I was sent out here without a map. 
All this time I've had to guess the way, 
To keep moving when I wished to stay. 
I've been wrong as much as I've been right. 
You tell me: 'Walk by faith and not by sight, and 
Keep your heavy heart afloat. 
You are a timber carved by knife, but 
Someday you may serve as a boat.' 

What I lose here on earth… 
…Is lost in heaven. 
If I ask you for help… 
…it will be given. 
But you've waited this long… 
…you weren't ready. 
My devotion was strong… 
…it wasn't steady. 
I have one more question… 
…you have the answer too. 
But what does that mean? 
You're I, and I am you. 
Why speak in riddles? 
Then let me show the way. 
That's all I've wanted. 
That's all you've had to say. 

Well come on then, God, show me, 
Which way you would like me to go, and 
I won't resume to question, 
How I was ever supposed to know. 
There have been signs along the way, but 
They've been so very obscure. 
At times I thought I knew their meaning, but 
How could I've ever been sure? 

God, I was sent here deaf to learn to hear, 
To have faith in you and never fear. 
Life is an ocean, you its every wave, 
Your arms would cradle me, and keep me safe. 
You're right, all this, and more I need to learn, 
All this unease just makes my stomach churn. 
It was I not you who set this trap, but 
You did leave me here without a map. 
All this time I've had to guess the way, 
To keep moving when I wished to stay. 
I've been right as much as I've been wrong, so 
All I hear from you is: 'You are strong enough, 
For all you'll ever have to face, 
The only map you need is Love, 
To guide you through this illusion of a maze.' 

Our Father, who art in heaven, 
Hallowed be thy name. 
Thy kingdom come, 
Thy will be done, 
On Earth, as it is in heaven, 
Give us today our daily bread, 
Forgive us, Father, all our sins, 
As we forgive those who sin against us, and 
Lead us not into temptation, but 
Deliver us from evil, for thy is the kingdom, and 
The power, and the glory, 
Now and forever more, 
Amen.


2 comments:

  1. Also navigating things here without a map of where exactly God wants me to go. I've been Christian for almost 20 years and I am *HORRIBLE* at trusting.

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    Replies
    1. Yes...no matter how "old and wise" we get...trusting God is not always an easy thing because the world screams at us with negative things, fears, and doubts...but God silently whispers (sometimes even stays silent) and waits for us to return to Him.

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