Monday, October 9, 2017

Random rant about the depressing parts of life and world affairs




Among long hours of work, heaps of unfolded laundry, piles of dishes, and crumbs of food on the kitchen floor, and baby's naps that are way too short.... I find my deepest joy.

Among unneccessary words, advice, and judgements from friends and family members, I still do what I do as I know this is the path of God for my life. I push through....with joy.

I do not not need the falsehoods coming from their lips. I do not care for their opinions. Their jealousy bothers me not.

Before I get too fired up about the certain things that bug me deep in my bones, let me just preceed by saying:

I LOVE my husband, I LOVE being a wife, I LOVE my precious children, I LOVE our new "country life," I LOVE my job. I LOVE the patients I serve. Those are pure blessings in my life.

However.....

I DO NOT LOVE the high debts we have in every area of life, especially the ridiculously high student loans from pharmacy school. I DO NOT LOVE leaving my baby every morning and having  to go to work, where I spend approximately 50 hours/week if you count in the commute times. I DO NOT LOVE coming into work and hearing all the snarky comments, judgements, and just plain hate that I hear all the time regarding the Catholic church and all the craziness that goes on in politics. I work in a Catholic hospital yet I hear so much hate around me every day. I do not like coming in everyday to a mostly liberal, atheistic/agnostic pharmacy department that makes fun of the church....while they are also working for it? It makes me really sad... But God put those people there for a reason, and God put me there for a reason as well. This keeps me pushing through.

I am SO TIRED of all that is going on on the "outside."  I wish I didn't have to live on the "outside." The "inside" of my own household, the "inside" of my own heart and soul - these are what bring me peace, love, comfort. These are the places I hope are full of God and empty of the "emptiness" and despair that is otherwise everpresent in the world. I wish there was a way for me to protect my husband and my children from all that is "outside." All the sadness. All the madness. All the hate. All the craziness. The materialism. The culture of death. Inside the four walls of our household is our safe haven. It's our circle of love. It's our little family that I hope is trying to reflect the Holy Family.

I DO NOT want to hear about shootings, walls, destroyed statues, acts of terrorism, child abuse, desecrating traditional marriage, etc etc. I wish I didn't have to hear about it day after day after day. There is NOTHING good on the news. The only good news is literally "the Good News." It's in the gospel that we find comfort among the despair. It's in Christ that we find Our Hope. There IS something somewhere we can look forward to. We will get there eventually. Our heavenly spouse awaits us with open arms. Once we marry in heaven during the feast of the Lamb, we will be forever His. And not a thing to worry about. All the madness of this world GONE once and for all. We just have to be strong and patient. One day we will get there and all will pass away before our eyes. Meanwhile we have to keep fighting, keep struggling, keep going to work day after day, feeding our babies, putting them down for naps, cooking for our husbands, trying to love our neigbors that often spew us with hate either directly or indirectly or behind our backs. You know? We Catholics have it rough around here. Basically everyone who is not Catholic seems to just hate us, judge us, or persecute us in one way or another. And we're not even the religion that preaches or tolerates terrorism and murder of the innocent. Quite the opposite. We will FIGHT for EVERY life, from the smallest just-conceived fetus to the oldest, sickest and most frail person. Everyone who is human has dignity, and the Catholic Church is the only one left out here that continues to preach that and fight for it. On one hand, it is surprising that with the availability and accessibility of factual information, historic books and documents, evidence of thousands of miracles, accounts of thousands of Catholic Saints...that not everyone is Catholic nowadays, but on the other hand, it is not surprising. Being Catholic is not easy. It is not for the faint of heart. Living by the Truth and with the Truth requires us to carry the cross with Jesus...a cross that often crushes us, breaks our back, sends us falling to the ground and crawling on all fours. It requires us to make the decision day after day to keeping being a practicing Catholic who will swim against the current of the mainstream and take all of the judgements and persecution of the world. Our Christ preaches love and tolerance and that is what we do day after day, but the world labels us as sexist anti-woman anti-abortion bigots and homophobes... when all we want is to protect those innocent lives of the voiceless unborn babies and for people to respect traditional sacramental marriage, which was created by God with purposes that other "forms of marriage" simply cannot understand or accomplish.

Not only do we face constant opposition from outside the walls of the church, but the devil also tries to destroy us from within. Sadly, even amongst our Catholic families and friends, there is often hatred and judging. "They have too many children. They have too little children. Why aren't they spacing their children out further? Why does she work full time? Why does she make her husband do such and such?" blah blah blah blah. Just leave me alone. I'm tired of you people constantly yapping. God probably doesn't exactly love me for this kind of attitude. Oh is it hard to love people when you are an introvert...people that are not in your very close introvert circle. Sometimes when I hear unncessary words that other people say about me or my little precious family, I just want to tell them to "f*** off" - when I know that is NOT what God is calling me to do. It is so hard for me to "love my neighbor." I mean, yes, I am a super-kind-always-bubbly person and I get along with literally anybody and everybody (as long as you do not get too close into my personal bubble and interfere with my business, haha ;-) ). Basically, if I don't have to interact with you more than necessary, we are good. I know this is God's challenge for me - to love those that are difficult for me to love. He put me to work with a faithless, mostly anti- Catholic pahrmacy department. I have to interact with those people everyday and be kind to them, as they are managers, co-pharmacists, physicians, nurses that take care of the same patients I do. God knows all the darkest, ugliest places in my heart. He knows them and He needs to transform them into areas of light and love. That's why he made my MIL live with me for >3 months this past winter and for me to undergo some of the greatest trials of my life. And why He gave me the most annoying, talkative, nosy SIL to 'put up with.' And He doesn't want me to just "put up with" or "tolerate" these difficult people, He expects me to love them. Oh God, How are you going to transform this ugly cold hard heart into a beautiful warm one? If it was me, I would've given up on me a long time ago. I failed mutliple of your tests of love and faith. I keep failing them. I'm being a rebel. But you still keep me alive and You keep blessing me day after day after day. I'm kind of scared to imagine how many years of purgatory I will have to go through in order to make reparation for all the damage I have done and the time I have wasted and the uneccessary or hurtful words  I have said about my neighbor. Sometimes,  I just want to grab me by the shoulders and shake me and say "what the hell is wrong with you Agnes?????" You know what to do. It's clear as day. He puts situations and people on your path with a clear purpose, yet you fail to use them for that purpose. You just want to kind of remain afloat, go with the flow, do just enough to get through those situations, to survive them....but not enough to make them transform you and the people involved.

Right now I'm kind of having "a little break from difficulties" I'm used to my regular routine of working and my now toddler is finally sleeping through the night. Just another couple weeks of having things somewhat figured out. Baby #2 will be here any day (due in 2 weeks) and things will probably get crazy again with the new baby on top of this little energetic 21 month old. And I will probably not have time as I do now to at least meditate and pray a little bit. And I may will be tired again, and irritated, and God may put some new challeneges in my life. Will I manage to see God's Hand in them and transform them into opportunities of learning and grace? Or Will I just try to "survive" the deep waters until the current passively brings me ashore??? Which will it be? It's easy to see now, it's easy to say now... But when you are actually in the deep waters, things get ugly. I still have PTSD from doing it the first time around (residency --> baby --> living with my MIL --> studying for board exams while baby was not sleeping at night). Thank God for my supportive husband and wonderful father to our child. By the way, I also need to start praying for him. I know that He wants to help our family budget (and we need it for all the loans, debts, payments we have) by at least working a couple times a week (while I work full time), while also balancing not havng to put the baby in daycare and taking care of our little farm. And after very basic calculations in my head, the business my husband is doing now a couple times a week is really not worth it. His costs probably just about equal out his income. And he is away from home sometimes 48-72 hours in a row. It would be better for him to just stay at home so we don't have to worry about other people watching our 2 babies (my mom comes from MI, 2 hours or my husband has to drive 1h to drop off at his sister's) and if his business isn't really bringing anything in...then what is the point? However, he is a man and a man gets part of his dignity by providing for his family. I definitely would not want him to feel inferior by having to be a stay at home dad. He would be an excellent one and I know he would enjoy it. But I already know which friends / family members would make fun of him for "not wearing the pants in our relationship." People have already made fun of him for not working and just staying home with baby before when he took a couple months off. He is wonderful but I know it hurts him when his friends keep poking fun at him for not being manly enough because he stays home to take care of his child and cook for his wife. Plus we cannot afford just me working until at least the student loans are paid off.  So I pray that God finds him a job that will fit our family's needs (either a part time evening job or something he could do from home). I really hope I can ramp up my prayer life, particularly hoping to start praying the rosary. I know it will be crazy with 2 little ones under 2, but hope I can use my breastfeeding time to say some decades, as I know the rosary works miracles.

I know this post consisted of a bunch of random complaints about our life and the current state of world affairs...but I needed to vent a little bit, hoping this will help me feel somewhat better about these things. Hope you can at least somewhat understand how I feel. And let me know if you have any advice...and of course, please PRAY FOR US as we keep fighting the good fight as a Catholic family in this crazy world that does not understand us and does not have mercy on us.... unlike our LORD. We obviously don't belong here... like Jesus said: We are in the world but not of the world. And this is WHY we feel the way we feel. But Jesus also asked us to not grow weary in doing good works, and to keep fighting despite the world persecuting us, since it persecuted and hated him also!

And that is all for today's reflection.

Yours in Christ,

Agnes


And a couple of pictures of the cute pie Violette :-)





I have another couple of posts cooking. One about the power of the rosary and another about our new country life and first summer on our farm. Hope I can (somehow miraculously) crunch those out before the new baby comes. I have less than or equal to two weeks. Again, pray for me as my life is about to change big time soon! But God put me to it, so He'll bring me through it :-)

Goodbye for real now!

10 comments:

  1. Oh Agnes. I feel this post so deeply. I will be praying for you as you get ready to meet your new baby girl!

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  2. I, too, want to live life on the "inside." Alas, we are still in the world! The thought of Heaven is so welcome! I also worked at a Catholic organization where people were seemingly anti-Catholic. It was really difficult. You're right; all of you are there for a reason! Keep pushing through! Prayers for you and your family!

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  3. Regarding your husband being a SAHD, are you sure that doing that would make him feel inferior? Ask him about it; maybe he doesn't feel that way. And as for the haters, who cares what they think? You need to do what's best for your family and your marriage, and if they are not a part of your marriage then their opinion means nothing.

    I'm troubled by the state of the world too, and hope you can manage to start saying the Rosary. I've found that the car is one of my favorite places to pray; I've downloaded recordings of the Rosary, Stations of the Cross and the Divine Mercy Chaplet to my iPhone and I pray while I drive. (Like you, I have about a 45 minute commute.) Good luck! I'll pray for you!

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    Replies
    1. My husband definitely would not mind. He rocks at being a SAHD. RIght now he stays w/ the baby 2-3 days per week and he's so awesome at it. He cooks great too! He does not mind at all. Problem is, don't think we could afford him not working at all. Right now we are living check to check and I'm barely making it since we have a lot of debt (mortgage, student loans, both of our cars, etc). It would be amazing if God could bless him with something he could do part time just to add an extra couple hundred dollars to our budget..something that would also allow him to be the primary caretaker of our children (i.e. evenings / weekends or something from home). That would be ideal.

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  4. Oh, Agnes, I will pray for you and your little family, too. There is alot of stress being a working mom but more stress for your husband, as you said, men are raised to be the breadwinner. I was fortunate that I was a stay at home mom, but my dear husband and I decided that before we were married. I only made half of what he brought in and then it was far less, once he was established, so it made sense for me to be here with our children.
    As for the hospital, if it is the one I think it is, it has always been a difficult one to understand, or at least the people there. For the most part, people are kind, but once they are in a group, they can be critical of everything they don't comprehend. You are doing what is good for you and your family. Even families can be critical of things they don't "get". It will get you down, but remember Our Lady is there and she brings her Son to us every day. Catholics have always been in the cross hairs, just look through the history of the world. We've been blamed for plagues, wars, etc. We're still here!
    It will be difficult the next few months with two little ones to care for, but you are strong and you have Our Lord and Our Lady guiding you. You are in my prayers, Young Agnes.
    Hugs and prayers
    the Older Agnes :)

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  5. if they are not a part of your marriage then their opinion means nothing.


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  6. There are GOOD REASONS why people criticize the Catholic Church. Why don't you start reading a debate and learn few things.


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